This blog is not meant to replace therapy or diagnose. Please consult with your therapist surrounding the subjects discussed in this blog.
It is a very difficult and maybe impossible task for someone without OCD, let alone someone who does have OCD but does not struggle with the same OCD fears, to image what a day must be like for someone who lives with this. Today I would like to talk about the burden that having OCD can be, the mental space that OCD demands, and what this might look like for someone with Moral Scrupulosity OCD specifically.
You wake up and your alarm has been going off but you had not heard it right away. Groggy from a night of little sleep (due to ruminating for an hour or more before falling asleep), you drag yourself through the motions of getting ready for the day, already worried about being late for work.
As you throw on clothes the worries for the day have already begun:
What if I’m late for work? What will my team think of me if I’m late? What kind of person does that make me if i’m someone who sleeps through their alarm? What kind of person does it make me if I’m someone who shows up late for work?
You grab a sweater, pants and shoes. But it isn’t that simple of a choice. For you it means much more.
What kind of person wears all black? Will I seem unapproachable? What if I’m someone who’s unapproachable? What if this sweater is too small? I might seem like I’m asking for attention. Maybe I’m a self-centered person if I want to look nice and I want people to notice that I care about my appearance. Will people think this sweater isn’t even appropriate for work? I wish I could call out. But then what kind of person am I to call out so last minute. I shouldn’t do that either. I’m an awful person.
The drive to work is not much better. Traffic is as it always is heading to work but you’re already in a mood from waking a little late, struggling with clothes and rushing out the door. It feels like the world is testing you today and irritability is growing. You hold yourself back from yelling or cursing at drivers and you distract by singing to music you like but the worries continue regardless.
I wanted to yell at that person who cut me off. Maybe I have anger issues. What if I’m not a safe person? What if I bring this mood to work and flip out on a coworker? I don’t think I’m a good person. What if I’m not “good”?
Its already been a whole day worth of stress and yet you haven’t even arrived at work yet. Once you get there you know the compulsions will only increase. You avoid coworkers due to worry you’ll offend someone or say the wrong thing. The staff meetings are so uncomfortable because you want to share your thoughts and help the team grow and do good work however you don’t want to step on management’s toes. You worry about saying the right thing, doing the moral thing, the ethical thing but it is an impossible task to land this perfectly.
This is why sleep is so hard. Because before you can sleep, you review the day and problem solve all the missteps and possible moments that didn’t land the way you wanted it to. When you fall asleep its from exhaustion, not because you’ve actually been able to determine that you’re a “good” person.
Life with OCD is not always what people think it is. It isn’t exclusively hand-washing, checking locks, asking for reassurance and often it isn’t any of those things. Life with OCD often demands a great deal of mental space and mental energy due to the mental compulsions and planning ahead that takes place to accommodate for the worries and fears.
If you are living with OCD please know that you are not alone and that there is treatment available. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be a difficult disorder to manage and gain control of however recovery and healing is possible.
Please reach out to us at Lux Behavioral Health if you are interested in discussing treatment options for your anxiety or OCD. It would be an honor to help you find the healing you deserve.
Lux Behavioral Health 